My Tenth Epiphany.
My mother had moved back to live in New England where I hoped she could find some happiness or at least some peace in her last years. Her health continued to fail. My brother kept me informed every time she was admitted to the hospital as she began her process of giving up her battle and her body quickly deteriorated. He visited her regularly but she was basically alone. I felt emptiness for her. I don’t know whether she felt the same emptiness. When she was with us she would not accept any change in how we interacted with one another and I could not accept our relationship remaining the same. Stalemate.
On August 12, at 4 a.m., our telephone rang. It was my brother. She had passed peacefully only a half hour before. I was strangely very calm; strangely relieved for her.
I’m reaching deep into my heart to celebrate the sacrifices that my mother made. I believe because of her I am now able to reach that deep place in my heart. I believe that, as a spirit before entering this life, she selflessly chose to live a life with no comfort, with no happiness, with no peace, with no love. She chose this life to show her children a choice, a dark choice and direct us toward each other to recognize another choice. She directed us to choose comfort, choose happiness, choose peace, and choose love. I am so grateful to her for this sacrifice. For so long I was baffled why this incredibly intelligent woman could not see that love and happiness were so valuable; why she resisted to her last breath every attempt to bring her there. I know now, if she had succumbed to happiness and love I would not have traveled the entire journey to this place; this deep place in my heart. I would have believed she somehow finally ‘got it’ instead of realizing where she wanted me to go: It doesn’t matter what the question is, love and compassion are always the answer. My final step is the ability to love her and thank her for her darkness and her sacrifice. Thank you Mom.
The Lesson: Finding a way to forgive and letting go of anger and resentment is a gift to yourself. You will empty yourself of your pain which will give you so much room to fill with love and light.
“When we release the bitterness, judgment and blame of the past, whether of ourselves or others, the past becomes a stepping stone to spiritual growth, to increased compassion, understanding and love.” Mary Manin Morrissey