I have been absent from my Blog for a while. I was absent from the World for more than two years. It has been a long struggle back. And I am not completely back to where I was before. I can never return there. I am different. I must re-enter the World from an alternate door. But I have entered with both feet.
I have allowed myself to feel Joy once again. I smile with my memories instead of grieve. I talk about my future. That does not mean I no longer talk about the past; I do that joyfully now. You might ask 'has your grieving time ended?' and I will tell you 'no'. I will never stop grieving the loss of my Beloved. But I have found that I can once again enjoy my life. And not feel guilty that I am. I think that may be what keeps many from moving forward; feeling guilt. Those grieving the loss of a loved one (especially someone very close) feel guilt for smiling. For laughing. For enjoying. And they cannot be convinced that they will ever truly enjoy life once again. Or that they should. Our heads know we should. But our hearts don't know that we can.
I have moved forward because of People. People that have brought understanding, love, caring, laughter and joy. People who have allowed me to wallow, to feel devastated, to grieve deeply and were still here when I emerged ready to take a step. I threw myself into my Spirit. Into Introspection. Into Writing. And then slowly into other people. Other people is what finally pulled me from my depths. It was when I finally focused on someone else instead of myself that I started to open my heart again. It was then that I fully learned the lesson of the complete joy of giving one's self to others.
I had always felt wonderful when I was giving to others. I always called giving to others a 'selfish' act because it felt so good. But now it's different. Now it is essential to me. Now I cannot behave in another way. It sustains me now. I have discovered how it feels to live this way completely; completely at Peace. There is no longer any anger, petty irritation or disdain. I am totally at Peace. This is not to say I do not feel sadness. I do. I feel it quite deeply. For the moment. I do not let it linger. I believe through examining myself totally, honestly and deeply I have let go of things that have affected me in some way in the past. I no longer have any focus on me. I have no need to. I have looked at it all. I have analyzed it all. I have come to grips with it all. There is no longer anything anyone can do that will really affect me other than touch me. But there are many things I can do that can affect others. Touch others. Make a difference in their lives. That is true and complete joy. And he is here watching me; smiling. It's wonderful to know I am still having Epiphanies.